By: S. Davis
The first date is here. Moving on…
Lucy: What I want to know is why is it so hard for men to be put in the friend-zone!? I don’t know if you have ever been put in the friend-zone, but how do you think I should tell a man I only want to be friends after one date?
S: Because it all-but shuts the door on the possibility of sex. Men don’t usually become friends with a woman by choice; it’s the circumstance they accept once the woman decides that will be his role. A woman could be truly just searching for a friend whereas a man wants to befriend her – and bed her occasionally.
My female friends didn’t relegate me to the “friend-zone.” I’ve chosen to have them as friends because of who they are. I have never occupied that space, or been placed there, due to the fact that I always make my intentions known upon our initial meeting or over time if it’s a coworker, classmate, etc; type of situation. I like a woman’s perspective and I have a great deal of strong, smart, independent, funny and beautiful women to count on when I’m in search of knowledge. Also, I don’t cross the bedroom line with them; I respect our friendship. At that point the mere fact that they’re women is something that I don’t even consider.
Be direct with him; tell him that you “only want to be friends.” Simple. Listen love, you’re basically fresh out of a divorce so you don’t have to feed anyone a bullshit excuse to make them feel better. It’s not being hurtful, it’s being honest about where you are at this point in YOUR life. Here’s one free of charge, copy/paste your heart away: “You’re such a cool guy and I would like to remain friends. Since I just went through a rough breakup after 10 years, being a friend to anyone is all I can offer. I hope that’s ok and if not, I still think you’re great.” On second thought you owe me a burger, ha!
You said above that “it’s difficult to find someone that you want to have sex with.” Explain if you don’t mind. (You don’t.) What sparks that “want” in you?
Lucy: Thanks for your advice on the “only want to be friends” text, I hated it haha! He took it badly! I was open and honest and explained my situation, even said I can only offer friendship at this point, and he sulked! He said it always happens to him blah, blah, I apologised more than necessary but the guy was a mess!
S: Oh well. You could’ve been mean but you weren’t; he’ll survive.
Lucy: Even after I had a 10 year relationship end, I am a lot more emotionally stable than that guy was. Here’s hoping it doesn’t happen again!
Lucy: As for your question… I don’t mind at all of course! But I’m not sure! Although, I consider having sex with any man that I find attractive, I guess I don’t ever really know if I want to have sex with them until I kiss them. I’ve kissed men before and even if they’re good kissers, it just feels like an act, like I’m just doing it. I still enjoy it and I feel elated but nothing else. Whereas, last Saturday night for example, I kissed a man and it was sensual, erotic, deep, I felt light-headed (I keep telling myself it wasn’t the booze!), there was a tingling sensation all over my body, a deep burning and I had this urge to remove his jeans and hike my skirt up right there! But unfortunately I’m not into having sex in front of a bar full of people.
S: You’re not? I had hopes for us. Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Lucy: I’ll buy you a burger and we can discuss desire in a lot more detail if you like, I’m curious to what your answer would be to your own question. But only if you buy me a bourbon of course 😉
S: Done. I know some bars in Los Angeles, ha.
Lucy: Now, what I want to know is: If you had a girl approach you and after a bit of talking, dancing & kissing they tell you that they want a friend with benefits, how quickly would you try to bed her? Is it more appropriate to discuss what each other expects, or do you just meet up and get on with it?
S: First I would thank the heavens that this woman actually exists – and I’m not in a dream, high as shit or drunk. If she’s coming to me under those conditions then it’s a delicate balance of how to react. Sure I could try to rush to get her to my place (or hers) but doing that could torpedo the vibe between us. Ironing out the conditions of the arrangement is important – after you’ve experienced the actual benefits though. If they aren’t what you expect in the bedroom then it’s just a one-night deal. It’s important to keep feeding the chemistry between us after she states her intentions and have sex that night. I’m direct so my response after her proposal would be, “Do you want this to start tonight?” It’s wise to capitalize on that moment – in the moment. As for expectations, find a consensus as two mature adults – and HONOR them – to ensure an enjoyable time together.
Say you’re in a heated moment and the chemistry is flowing; the attraction is mutual and things are going splendidly (insert kissing, touching, talking, dancing). What can he do/say to immediately force you to reject him and lose interest completely? Secondly, why do you think most women are reluctant to consider a fwb arrangement? They’re great and mutually beneficial.
Lucy: Things that will turn me off when there’s already chemistry is a very hard question to answer, but here’s a few personal experiences of me losing interest! Commenting on other women’s bodies, or blatantly checking out another woman will make me walk, they should only be focused on my body. Telling me how much they like porn, I honestly don’t care if they watch it or not, but it makes me think they expect me to act like a porn star in the sack, come on be realistic.
S: Wait, porn isn’t real?
Lucy: Looking around after to see if anyone else has seen us kissing with a big smug smile on their face is just childish. Looking less interested if I say I’m not or cant go home with them that night, doesn’t mean I wont ever have sex with them, idiots. Telling me they want to marry me and have my babies, saying it once is funny, keep going on about it and I think they must have problems. Being overly aggressive and literally trying to drag me to a cab is just plain weird.
S: And scary…
Lucy: Talking about how much money they have, I will tell them I don’t care and if they keep going, I’m out. Other than that, I guess I’ll need to do more research! As for your fwb question, I feel like most women are reluctant because in the end aren’t most people looking for love?
S: I’m the wrong person to ask that, ha.
Lucy: Looking for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with?
S: “Rest of their lives” is like 40-50 years together. Whoa.
Lucy: A lot of women grow up dreaming of getting married and it’s even worse when they’re the only single woman in their group of friends, it puts the question in their head “when will I get my happy ever after?”
S: I’m that person in my group of friends although some of them aren’t living that fairy tale at all.
Lucy: And as mutually beneficial as a fwb situation is, it also goes back to our conversation about women being called sluts for sleeping around. Even though it’s with one person, they may also sleep with someone else as well if the opportunity presented itself, but if it’s only for the benefit of sex, that brings “slut” to people’s minds.
S: Right. Like I said before, it’s unfair for women to get tagged with that shitty label.
Lucy: No woman wants to be called a slut. That seems like the primary reason for women to be reluctant to me. Men don’t get branded for sleeping around, but unfortunately women do.
S: Obvious double-standard.
Lucy: In regards to approaching a man about being fwb; let’s say both parties were drunk and going home that night wasn’t an option so numbers were exchanged. Then the next day a “catch up” was mentioned, but with no details, what’s the best approach for the woman to get this situation going? Do you get turned off by a woman saying what she wants? Or if she contacts you first? In the end aren’t we all adults here, can’t we just say it like it is?
S: I LOOOOOOOVE a woman who’s direct! A woman who’s direct, intelligent and confident (of course attractive) is the woman who will have my interest far longer than a woman that I’m just twisting into all types of positions. Tell me what you want from me, my love, I’m not a mind reader and I hate riddles; speak up. The whole enigma regarding first contact is straight garbage! Garbage! It’s a turn-on if she reaches me before I get the chance to. If I had a great time on a date or just met someone new and exchanged numbers I’ll call/text whenever the feeling strikes. She gave me her information for a reason, correct? It’s to be used. Years ago I got this woman’s number, left her a voicemail hours later to see if she made it home safely – there was a snowstorm in NYC – and she eventually became a serious girlfriend.
The best way to get the situation going is to keep it simple and direct, Lucy. State the things that you want while also being clear on deal-breakers. Be direct and keep it simple. Tread carefully as I don’t want you to get hurt in any way so make sure to be blunt. Again I cannot stress this part enough: Honesty is going to be your best friend here; don’t overlook it.
How do you feel about being the last single one in your group? (If that’s the case.) Is there anything you miss about being involved? I’m always conflicted about this.
Lucy: I absolutely love your answer to my last question.
S: Of course you do.
Lucy: (Silence) I’m new to dating and I was a bit weirded out when I received a text 3 days later from a man that I gave my number to. Surely there isn’t still people out there that think there’s a 3 day waiting rule? There isn’t! Knock it off this isn’t high-school.
S: Exactly. The exchange of contact info was the first step. Get on to the second.
Lucy: And thanks for the tip, I’ll make sure I’m completely honest with what I want when I go on my date tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to seeing how my fwb suggestion goes down!
S: So am I. Ha, I’ll be waiting up for you. Bring back some wings.
Lucy: Yes I am the only single person in my group of friends, my family too, and I’m fine with that. They really enjoy hearing my stories about men hitting on me, sometimes I think they’re living vicariously through me. A lot of them tell me I should put myself out there more to find love, until I remind them I’m not looking for love and that I’ve given myself a strict “no boyfriends” rule for this year while I focus on myself.
S: Readers, that last sentence was code for “I’ve given myself a ‘no boyfriends’ rule for this year until I spend some time in L.A.”
Lucy: I really miss hugs! I find myself hugging anyone I can get my hands on haha! Other than that I really miss having that one person that you can say anything and everything to, that constant companionship where you feel like they are and will always be there for you no matter what. I know that’s one reason why I want to try a friends with benefits situation. Not to divulge every single dark, dirty secret to, but regular sex, hugs and friendship will help to fill some small missing part of me, even if it’s just a little bit.
A third date will be forthcoming.