By: Shawn Davis
I’m baaaack! Since the demand for me is at an all-time high (coughs) it’s time for another addition in the dating category. A friend of mine – let’s call her Athena – wanted something new and this happened to be next on deck. With all the pleasantries out of the way…let’s go! Let the knowledge flow over you….
As chronicled in this forum, my dating endeavors are of legend (check out the “Dating” category). There is a noticeable divide between how the sexes interact and – more importantly – approach dating, the pursuit of one another and their methods to that end. In my honest opinion, the divide comes down to lying and pursuit. Women that I’ve dated have said they hate men who lie and men complain that their biggest gripe with the ladies is that they play too hard to get. For sanity’s sake, I’ll just focus on those two and then venture off on a third which will, hopefully, be a bridge of sorts. Remember that my goal is to bring us all together. Change 2008! Remember that one? I’m not going there, ha.
Guys, we have to quit lying; we just have to. Be real with the woman that’s in your life or the one you’re talking to at the bar. It’s just that simple. Most of my complaints from women center on this: honesty. The premise isn’t difficult at all: See pretty woman, talk to pretty woman and TELL THE TRUTH to pretty woman. If she asks whether you have a job, tell the truth if you don’t. She means a “job,” as in the place where you get a check from. Got it?
Sleeping in your childhood bedroom (at your parents house) when you’re over 35? Well don’t tell her that your parents live with you because you support them and you’re 28. Not a good look but you would think my guys out there would get this. Get this!
Lying leads to a host of problems and to be quite honest, fibs are high maintenance. You have to keep up with them – at all times – imaginary people are born and then you have a whole world to keep up with, right? Now I understand why people talk to themselves in public; keeping up with lies is work and ultimately you begin hearing voices in your head. I believe in my male brethren. We can do this, we can. I think.
Getting caught is the worst thing that can happen and I doubt I have to go into detail (just see the preceding paragraph). Ladies, we want to present ourselves in the best possible way for you to be all over us. Guys, quit the lying because it hurts the rest of the brotherhood. Pull your weight, men, we’re only as strong as the weakest link.
Be direct with her, at all times. (Now as a guy, being honest is my mantra, and it has got me burned because it came across as hurtful. Oh well, I was honest. Here’s the thing ladies: Get thicker skin. Seriously.) If you’re collecting unemployment and you sleep on your aunt’s couch…tell her that. A woman will respect your honesty, probably give you a pity lay and look to see if she can help if there’s a spark. Why do I say that?
Women like to fix things (especially their guy) – it’s just how they operate. Don’t believe that? Notice how she’ll make comments about how your shirts fit you, how she’ll size up your outfit before going out together, how she’ll suggest a pair of shoes for you, how she’ll (kindly) critique your bachelor pad (provided it isn’t your aunt’s living room), etc.
We are basically a life-size Ken doll which allows her to tap into her inner fashion designer. Women hate to get into something with a guy – who they’ve begun to like – only to find that they fell for an ideal or a portrayal that said guy put forward to land them initially. I mean that can show how much he liked you, right? Ok, I’m just joking. Put down your fist and fix your face. Women just want honesty so let’s give it to them.
On the other side ladies, you really need to stop making the pursuit so complex. Having us jump through hoops, call you all the time (you don’t call as you want us to call you to show we’re interested and you don’t want to look desperate…ugh), read your mind, give you space but also check up on you with even more phone calls. Huh?
I was seeing this woman who wanted me to pursue her – after we slept together a few times; yeah, ok. Now in my defense, I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious on the first date but she looked past that; maybe she thought I was joking. I wasn’t. Things got busy with work and I wasn’t available to see her because of our conflicting schedules and she got upset because I wasn’t showing her the “effort” she graced on me. Whatever! This woman also got pissed because I wouldn’t (really I couldn’t) leave my job – at the middle of the day – to come to her house and rub her stomach because she was sick. Yeah, ok. Suffice to say, I deleted her number and stopped taking her calls.
Make it easier ladies, really, I mean this! If you honestly like a guy – and you told him so (like the ACTUAL words) – then be realistic. It isn’t cool for you to hold it against him if he didn’t make a check-in call when you’re both at work (also where you cannot spend too much time on a personal call) and you’re NOT exclusive. Don’t get upset because we didn’t text you 20 times a day or have time to meet you for a drink…when we got the call to meet five minutes before leaving the office. It has to be fair.
With all the barriers women have broken down over the last 50 years, the one thing that remains traditional for them is the want and/or need to be pursued. Very rare is the woman who will approach the guy – although ladies, we love when a woman does. Get the thought out of your head that it makes you look desperate, it doesn’t – it makes you so much hotter! We don’t understand the phenomenon (because it’s just so rare), so when a lady breaks the mold we are like puppies.
Also, kill the notion that it makes you slutty. “Slutty” gets a bad rap these days and it’s just not fair. If you see a guy and you have the confidence to approach, do it. You expect us to do it, right? Step up to the plate! It’s no different than going after that promotion or finding a way to beat the skinny chick to the last pair of stilettos at Filene’s.
You also send mixed signals when we attempt to pursue. We call you twice and it’s not enough, then it’s too much. Then we don’t stay on the phone as much as you like, ugh. You want us to meet your parents before we’re even exclusive – that’s a reach! I’ve been in that situation before. Why would you even ask that of a guy unless you’re a real couple? I asked myself this, infinitely, as I fell into the family-meeting landmine.
Side note: Why do you get dressed all nice with your assets being accentuated and then seem offended when guys notice and try to talk to you? I’m not talking about the idiotic, disrespectful guys who blurt asinine statements. My focus is on the guy who comes to you respectfully and shows an interest in learning about you.
I get that one interaction with a jerk can ruin your mood for the night but if that’s the case, just maybe you should go home. When guys see a group of attractive women, especially those without men with them, they will go after them. If you’re single and a guy approaches you respectfully, why not give him a few minutes? What’s the worst that can happen?
Also, why do women in groups deter their single friends from meeting single men at a bar/club? I get that they want to stick together, and they should, but why prevent each other from finding someone, especially if they’re on the market to do so? Ladies, I think you get in your own way, A LOT of the time.
You have to make the pursuit one that a guy will want to take on and you have to be realistic about it. I’m all in if it’s established we’re into one another because it’s going to be mutually beneficial. I can do that – and so can my guys out there! Getting us to pursue you, endlessly, will lead us to lie to get you in bed and then fall off the face of the earth. Honesty is what you get from me – I’m being direct.
Issues with dishonesty (men) and the game of pursuit (women) is the dating divide. See, I just solved the problem. Now there can be marriages without a 50% divorce rate attached to the vows as a footnote. I am good – and I do accept donations for all this knowledge.
The bridge issue is expectation. I only look for two things on a date: physical attraction and personality. Meeting is centered on the basis that she said something of interest when I approached her or she was just that HOT. So meeting, at least once, can definitely be arranged. I don’t even think about seeing her a second time because that’s too far ahead to contemplate; if we go out again, cool. However, I will tell her if I want to see her again and not for lip service. If I say it, I mean it.
It’s better to date without expectations! Do you understand? No, ugh. Here’s an example from one of my exploits:
After a few interesting conversations with this woman I met, we were both up for a date. It went really well and she told me that she wanted to see me again as we were driving to my place. She went home and we spoke later that night…cool. We spoke intermittently over the next month or so then the communication ceased; we both just stopped. I’ve done it before so I didn’t think much of it.
Out of the blue she apologized for not keeping in touch – which I was fine with because I didn’t either – and she thanked me for the date. Ok. Then she said that she didn’t think we “should see each other again because there was no love connection.”
I found the whole thing funny because who looks for love on the first date? Is that even possible or feasible? Shit, I doubt it’s even realistic! It isn’t. Expectations.
When I go on a date my main focus is to have a good time. I’m not projecting what I want in the future with the stranger that’s sitting across from me. For me it’s about my meal and having a conversation, that’s all. I feel that people’s expectations of a first date lead directly to disappointment. It all needs to be simplified into something that’s attainable. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE ARE SINGLE WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE!
Finding common ground and similar interests is the first step, from there anything can begin. Just focus on being yourself, find a level of comfort and try to be respectful. I don’t go out looking for love or hoping to find my wife because those things happen organically, over time. Once, I had a first date with a woman who wasn’t sure if I liked her…and it led to a 4-year relationship.
Just to make sure there is no confusion, do not think I’m saying to lower your expectations of a potential mate – just lower your expectation of a first date. That is the point. You could be really nervous – or your date could be and if you rush to judgment…poof! Date with the idea of having a great night out and anything else you could count as extra ice-cream. Sound good, right? I think so.
(I’ve got to get to the supermarket.)
You just never know and things like relationships need time to grow. Ladies, please lower your expectations of what a first date should be and get that Carrie Bradshaw drivel out of your mind. Think I’m pulling this out of my ass? I’ve had women tell me it’s a stupid ideal of “love” to have. So take that.
There wasn’t “a love connection?” Thank God I ducked that one. That’s got torn-clothes-and-broken-electronics-of-mine written all over it.