Men and Women: The Dating Divide

By: Shawn Davis

I’m baaaack! Since the demand for me is at an all-time high (coughs) it’s time for another addition in the dating category. A friend of mine – let’s call her Athena – wanted something new and this happened to be next on deck. With all the pleasantries out of the way…let’s go! Let the knowledge flow over you….

As chronicled in this forum, my dating endeavors are of legend (check out the “Dating” category). There is a noticeable divide between how the sexes interact and – more importantly – approach dating, the pursuit of one another and their methods to that end. In my honest opinion, the divide comes down to lying and pursuit. Women that I’ve dated have said they hate men who lie and men complain that their biggest gripe with the ladies is that they play too hard to get. For sanity’s sake, I’ll just focus on those two and then venture off on a third which will, hopefully, be a bridge of sorts. Remember that my goal is to bring us all together. Change 2008! Remember that one? I’m not going there, ha.

Guys, we have to quit lying; we just have to. Be real with the woman that’s in your life or the one you’re talking to at the bar. It’s just that simple. Most of my complaints from women center on this: honesty. The premise isn’t difficult at all: See pretty woman, talk to pretty woman and TELL THE TRUTH to pretty woman. If she asks whether you have a job, tell the truth if you don’t. She means a “job,” as in the place where you get a check from. Got it?

Sleeping in your childhood bedroom (at your parents house) when you’re over 35? Well don’t tell her that your parents live with you because you support them and you’re 28. Not a good look but you would think my guys out there would get this. Get this!

Lying leads to a host of problems and to be quite honest, fibs are high maintenance. You have to keep up with them – at all times – imaginary people are born and then you have a whole world to keep up with, right? Now I understand why people talk to themselves in public; keeping up with lies is work and ultimately you begin hearing voices in your head. I believe in my male brethren. We can do this, we can. I think.

Getting caught is the worst thing that can happen and I doubt I have to go into detail (just see the preceding paragraph). Ladies, we want to present ourselves in the best possible way for you to be all over us. Guys, quit the lying because it hurts the rest of the brotherhood. Pull your weight, men, we’re only as strong as the weakest link.

Be direct with her, at all times. (Now as a guy, being honest is my mantra, and it has got me burned because it came across as hurtful. Oh well, I was honest. Here’s the thing ladies: Get thicker skin. Seriously.) If you’re collecting unemployment and you sleep on your aunt’s couch…tell her that. A woman will respect your honesty, probably give you a pity lay and look to see if she can help if there’s a spark. Why do I say that?

Women like to fix things (especially their guy) – it’s just how they operate. Don’t believe that? Notice how she’ll make comments about how your shirts fit you, how she’ll size up your outfit before going out together, how she’ll suggest a pair of shoes for you, how she’ll (kindly) critique your bachelor pad (provided it isn’t your aunt’s living room), etc.

We are basically a life-size Ken doll which allows her to tap into her inner fashion designer. Women hate to get into something with a guy – who they’ve begun to like – only to find that they fell for an ideal or a portrayal that said guy put forward to land them initially. I mean that can show how much he liked you, right? Ok, I’m just joking. Put down your fist and fix your face. Women just want honesty so let’s give it to them.

On the other side ladies, you really need to stop making the pursuit so complex. Having us jump through hoops, call you all the time (you don’t call as you want us to call you to show we’re interested and you don’t want to look desperate…ugh), read your mind, give you space but also check up on you with even more phone calls. Huh?

I was seeing this woman who wanted me to pursue her – after we slept together a few times; yeah, ok. Now in my defense, I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious on the first date but she looked past that; maybe she thought I was joking. I wasn’t. Things got busy with work and I wasn’t available to see her because of our conflicting schedules and she got upset because I wasn’t showing her the “effort” she graced on me. Whatever! This woman also got pissed because I wouldn’t (really I couldn’t) leave my job – at the middle of the day – to come to her house and rub her stomach because she was sick. Yeah, ok. Suffice to say, I deleted her number and stopped taking her calls.

Make it easier ladies, really, I mean this! If you honestly like a guy – and you told him so (like the ACTUAL words) – then be realistic. It isn’t cool for you to hold it against him if he didn’t make a check-in call when you’re both at work (also where you cannot spend too much time on a personal call) and you’re NOT exclusive. Don’t get upset because we didn’t text you 20 times a day or have time to meet you for a drink…when we got the call to meet five minutes before leaving the office. It has to be fair.

With all the barriers women have broken down over the last 50 years, the one thing that remains traditional for them is the want and/or need to be pursued. Very rare is the woman who will approach the guy – although ladies, we love when a woman does. Get the thought out of your head that it makes you look desperate, it doesn’t – it makes you so much hotter! We don’t understand the phenomenon (because it’s just so rare), so when a lady breaks the mold we are like puppies.

Also, kill the notion that it makes you slutty. “Slutty” gets a bad rap these days and it’s just not fair. If you see a guy and you have the confidence to approach, do it. You expect us to do it, right? Step up to the plate! It’s no different than going after that promotion or finding a way to beat the skinny chick to the last pair of stilettos at Filene’s.

You also send mixed signals when we attempt to pursue. We call you twice and it’s not enough, then it’s too much. Then we don’t stay on the phone as much as you like, ugh. You want us to meet your parents before we’re even exclusive – that’s a reach! I’ve been in that situation before. Why would you even ask that of a guy unless you’re a real couple? I asked myself this, infinitely, as I fell into the family-meeting landmine.

Side note: Why do you get dressed all nice with your assets being accentuated and then seem offended when guys notice and try to talk to you? I’m not talking about the idiotic, disrespectful guys who blurt asinine statements. My focus is on the guy who comes to you respectfully and shows an interest in learning about you.

I get that one interaction with a jerk can ruin your mood for the night but if that’s the case, just maybe you should go home. When guys see a group of attractive women, especially those without men with them, they will go after them. If you’re single and a guy approaches you respectfully, why not give him a few minutes? What’s the worst that can happen?

Also, why do women in groups deter their single friends from meeting single men at a bar/club? I get that they want to stick together, and they should, but why prevent each other from finding someone, especially if they’re on the market to do so?  Ladies, I think you get in your own way, A LOT of the time.

You have to make the pursuit one that a guy will want to take on and you have to be realistic about it. I’m all in if it’s established we’re into one another because it’s going to be mutually beneficial. I can do that – and so can my guys out there! Getting us to pursue you, endlessly, will lead us to lie to get you in bed and then fall off the face of the earth. Honesty is what you get from me – I’m being direct.

Issues with dishonesty (men) and the game of pursuit (women) is the dating divide. See, I just solved the problem. Now there can be marriages without a 50% divorce rate attached to the vows as a footnote. I am good – and I do accept donations for all this knowledge.

Can we agree on something?

The bridge issue is expectation. I only look for two things on a date: physical attraction and personality. Meeting is centered on the basis that she said something of interest when I approached her or she was just that HOT. So meeting, at least once, can definitely be arranged. I don’t even think about seeing her a second time because that’s too far ahead to contemplate; if we go out again, cool. However, I will tell her if I want to see her again and not for lip service. If I say it, I mean it.

It’s better to date without expectations! Do you understand? No, ugh. Here’s an example from one of my exploits:

After a few interesting conversations with this woman I met, we were both up for a date. It went really well and she told me that she wanted to see me again as we were driving to my place. She went home and we spoke later that night…cool. We spoke intermittently over the next month or so then the communication ceased; we both just stopped. I’ve done it before so I didn’t think much of it.

Out of the blue she apologized for not keeping in touch – which I was fine with because I didn’t either – and she thanked me for the date. Ok. Then she said that she didn’t think we “should see each other again because there was no love connection.”

I found the whole thing funny because who looks for love on the first date? Is that even possible or feasible? Shit, I doubt it’s even realistic! It isn’t. Expectations.

When I go on a date my main focus is to have a good time. I’m not projecting what I want in the future with the stranger that’s sitting across from me. For me it’s about my meal and having a conversation, that’s all. I feel that people’s expectations of a first date lead directly to disappointment. It all needs to be simplified into something that’s attainable. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE ARE SINGLE WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE!

Finding common ground and similar interests is the first step, from there anything can begin. Just focus on being yourself, find a level of comfort and try to be respectful. I don’t go out looking for love or hoping to find my wife because those things happen organically, over time. Once, I had a first date with a woman who wasn’t sure if I liked her…and it led to a 4-year relationship.

Just to make sure there is no confusion, do not think I’m saying to lower your expectations of a potential mate – just lower your expectation of a first date. That is the point. You could be really nervous – or your date could be and if you rush to judgment…poof! Date with the idea of having a great night out and anything else you could count as extra ice-cream. Sound good, right? I think so.

(I’ve got to get to the supermarket.)

You just never know and things like relationships need time to grow. Ladies, please lower your expectations of what a first date should be and get that Carrie Bradshaw drivel out of your mind. Think I’m pulling this out of my ass? I’ve had women tell me it’s a stupid ideal of “love” to have. So take that.

There wasn’t “a love connection?” Thank God I ducked that one. That’s got torn-clothes-and-broken-electronics-of-mine written all over it.

 

Photo: family.wikinut.com

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4 thoughts on “Men and Women: The Dating Divide

  1. AthenaVox August 8, 2011 / 5:17 am

    After every State of the Union Address and Presidential speech there is an oppositional response. Here is the female rebuttal to your ever so eloquent blog entry.

    1) Issue: Guys lying
    Let the choir sing, AMEN! Dear heavens! How hard is it to tell the truth? I don’t lie just because I can’t keep track of all the data – the who, the where, the what. For some men lying is a sport and I keep finding the damn season ticket holders. Men, it’s easier to be honest — less brain capacity required. Plus in the long run, if we do establish a relationship, those lies will come back to haunt you. Why? Because women remember everything about the first date. As soon as we leave your presence, we relay the entire date verbatim to our besties. So don’t lie. We remember everything you’ve told us. We even remember how you looked at us when you made the comments. It’s not worth the risk if you are into the girl. So one point to Sthewriter.

    2) Issue: Ladies need thicker skin
    Seriously? Here’s the thing about that. I understand your point, but if you hurt our feelings we don’t automatically think, “thicker skin, thicker skin. Laugh it off!” Instead we think, “Ouch,” subsequently followed by “mother f@#%ker.” I’m just sayin’.

    3) Issue: Women like to fix things (especially their guy) – it’s just how they operate. We are basically a life-size Ken doll which allows her to tap into her inner fashion designer.
    Secretly, all women want to be on Project Runway. We like it when you let us play dress up with you. It reminds us of our childhood playing dolly – but with a real life, hetero – that’s hot! We just want you to feel cared for, nurtured. If we were monkeys, we’d be plucking gnats from your scalp. Oh, and I was a GI Joe kind of girl, not dickless Ken.

    4) Issue: The Complex Pursuit (I hope you are sitting down)
    It’s on now! My dear blogger friend, WHY are you trying to change the laws of nature? Haven’t you seen Animal Planet? Females are supposed to be lured by the pretty male peacock feathers. Male freshwater dolphins are supposed to whoo females by lifting heavy rocks with their mouths. And heterosexual males are supposed to have big Jersey Shore biceps, a fancy car and enough money to take care of us delicate baby making creatures. I’m kidding of course. I’m not looking for a man with Jersey Shore biceps.

    Being pursued is in our DNA, just as chasing tight skirts and cleavage is in yours. I am not a prude. I can shake my money maker with the best of them. (I may need Advil the next day, but I can hang!) I can engage a man in a conversation on most topics but really, is he even listening? I believe a man listens in direct proportion to the amount of boobage showing. More titties showing, he’s engaged in the conversation. Less titties showing, he’s watching SportsCenter on the flatscreen above your head. In reality my witty sense of humor and B-cup, will never be a match for the 5’10” 115 pound, D cup Amazon supermodel across the bar. Never has a woman won a man over with her personality.

    Let’s flashback to the girl you pursued in “Ladies! Let’s Do It Again…” The “stunning” woman caught your eye and you wrote “I knew I had to get her number as soon as she entered.” Yeah…your DNA got the best of you. When a man sees what he wants, his primal behaviors are triggered. Sure it would be nice for you to sit back and let us come to you. But the reality is, that just ain’t gonna work.

    So the phone call thing. I am a firm believer that if you are interested in us, you should call first. You could even preface the call with a text. Men are the pursuers, period. If you don’t pursue us, the balance of power is off. Most women I know like our men to be men, not hybrid metros of NYC, LA and Miami. I’m a New York born woman, living in Texas and every February when the trail riders come into town, I am quickly converted to a rodeo fool. Bring on those cowboys! There is nothing sexier than a man who ain’t afraid to ride a bull. I’m feeling parched just thinking about it! The point is, pursue us. It’s genetic.

    You’re so funny – “It’s no different than going after that promotion or finding a way to beat the skinny chick to the last pair of stilettos at Filene’s.” Have you seen me?

    5) Issue: You also send mixed signals when we attempt to pursue.
    This is simple. We are evasive when you are not the one we want to date. We are keeping our options open for someone else. Sorry, just get thicker skin 😉

    6) Issue: Why do you get dressed all nice with your assets being accentuated and then seem offended when guys notice and try to talk to you?
    These women are idiots. I can’t speak for them. My only guess is these women are playing games. Run!

    7) Issue: My focus is on the guy who comes to you respectfully and shows an interest in learning about you.
    Where are these men? I’ve been looking everywhere for them. Feel free to give them my email address. If they don’t start a sentence with, “Yo baby…” we’re off to a good start!

    8) Issue: Also, why do women in groups deter their single friends from meeting single men at a bar/club?
    Because the fat girl doesn’t want to be left alone. Next.

    9) Issue: Getting us to pursue you, endlessly, will lead us to lie to get you in bed and then fall off the face of the earth.
    Lying is a choice. You either choose to lie or you choose not to. I’m really not sure why this is difficult. Do not turn a man lying into the fault of the woman.

    10) Issue: I am good – and I do accept donations for all this knowledge.
    Check’s in the mail! Or would you like me to use Paypal?

    11) Question: Can we agree on something?
    Yes. LeAnn Rimes’ song “Crazy Women” is f-ing brilliant. It says, “Crazy Women are made by Crazy Men.” You can’t argue with the lyrics of a country song!

    12) Issue: It’s better to date without expectations! Do you understand? No, ugh.
    Okay I understand your point. But every woman has seen at least one Royal Wedding, has read Snow White or visited Cinderella’s castle. Good luck with erasing expectations for an entire gender.

    13) Issue: I found the whole thing funny because who looks for love on the first date? Is that even possible or feasible? Shit, I doubt it’s even realistic! It isn’t. Expectations.
    Walt Disney is rolling over in his grave. I’ll pray for you my brother. What you call “expectations” I call “hope.” It is perfectly okay to have hope that this will be the last first date you will have to endure. Hope is a positive experience that could turn an okay date into a good one. Lowering the expectation of the first date is like not getting excited about your five year old birthday party. For a woman, it’s not possible. We select our outfit and shoes in hopes that you will find us attractive. We watched FoxSports just so we know if your favorite teams won. If you don’t have some hope or expectations, why leave the house? Just text her all night. Geez! I’m keeping hope in my dating arsenal, along with my wit and Victoria’s Secret designed cleavage.

    14) Issue: There wasn’t “a love connection?” Thank God I ducked that one. That’s got torn-clothes-and-broken-electronics-of-mine written all over it.
    Its fun to date the crazies. They make the stories so much more interesting!

    • Sthewriter August 8, 2011 / 8:31 pm

      1. Issue: Guys lying
      – I’m happy that you gave me 1 point, at least. Thanks, dear.

      2. Issue: Ladies need thicker skin
      – I know, I know but I just have to put it out there.

      3. Issue: Women like to fix things (especially their guy) – it’s just how they operate. We are basically a life-size Ken doll which allows her to tap into her inner fashion designer.
      – I appreciate the fact that you are a GI Joe girl (graciously noted) but I wasn’t sure if using that reference would’ve had the same effect. It is one thing I do like about women though. As a guy who takes pride in his appearance, I love when the woman I’m with makes suggestions. I’ve always found it interesting and in good taste.

      4. Issue: The Complex Pursuit (I hope you are sitting down)
      – (I am sitting, my blogger friend) You are hilarious. I know that being pursued is in your DNA but there are times I think you could make it easier. Listen, I love the pursuit but I feel you (women) get so much needless info from dating books, articles and magazines on “rules of dating” that you confuse yourself…and by extension, the men you would like to come after you. I think your listening/boobage equation is the opposite. We give the impression that we’re engaged if your boobs are out – it’s just an impression, believe me. We “act” engaged just so we can get those boobs in our bed. Going further, it does depend on the situation though. There have been times I ignored the boobs-out girl for a woman with a balanced shape (I like tits and ass; proportions) with the killer outfit that wasn’t revealing. A woman will win over a man with her personality AFTER the physical attraction is established, I think. As for the “stunning” woman: Well, Athena, I had no choice but to go after her because if I didn’t, I’m sure someone else at the restaurant/bar would have. But she was also the one I wanted you to spill a drink on…and you declined. I thought we were in this together? Ha.

      – As for the phone call…hmm. I do agree that we should call first and I do (especially if I was the one that approached); I have no problem in pursuing at all. As for the shoe quote: No dear I haven’t seen you but I’d like to (shoot me an email). I’d like to see who my female counterpart is. Glad you liked the joke.

      5. Issue: You also send mixed signals when we attempt to pursue.
      – You do send mixed signals when we are not the guy you want to date AND you also do it for guys you do. Women that I’ve already slept with have done it and I’ve found it amusing when they do this but continue to want me. See above (Issue 4: the “dating books….” part). My skin is thick, A.
      6. Issue: Why do you get dressed all nice with your assets being accentuated and then seem offended when guys notice and try to talk to you?
      – That’s my girl!

      7. Issue: My focus is on the guy who comes to you respectfully and shows an interest in learning about you.
      – “Yo baby,” I’m one of them. Whether I’m pursuing for fun (or possibly more) I’m always respectful. Is this a good start? Ha.

      8. Issue: Also, why do women in groups deter their single friends from meeting single men at a bar/club?
      – I KNOW this! But it’s not always the fat girls’ fault as skinny/average women do this as well. Doesn’t make much sense. You get in your own way – and the way of friends. Preach to them Athena.

      9. Issue: Getting us to pursue you, endlessly, will lead us to lie to get you in bed and then fall off the face of the earth.
      – I’m not making it the woman’s fault at all. It’s just…we don’t want to continue running in circles.

      10. Issue: I am good – and I do accept donations for all this knowledge.
      – I’ll send you the address and you can just put that sucker in the mail.

      11. Question: Can we agree on something?
      – (Contemplating a response. Let’s just agree that we have different opinions and toast each other with our drink of choice, salud!)

      12. Issue: It’s better to date without expectations! Do you understand? No, ugh.
      – I just feel that dating doesn’t need any added pressure. Don’t you think it’s better to just focus on having a good time? From there you can build a foundation for something, possibly, to blossom. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not trying to “erase” expectations, just prioritize them for the FIRST date because so many factors come into play in an initial meeting.

      13. Issue: I found the whole thing funny because who looks for love on the first date? Is that even possible or feasible? Shit, I doubt it’s even realistic! It isn’t. Expectations.
      – Ok, dear. There’s nothing wrong with either hope or expectations, at all. All I’m saying is to reign them in for the FIRST meeting. You could both be nervous but really like each other and the date could go bad. Then what? You both grade ONE meeting as a disaster and then you both miss out on “something” because you weighed ONE meeting so heavily. Like I stated in the piece, “Once, I had a first date with a woman who wasn’t sure if I liked her…and it led to a 4-year relationship.” She told me – further down my courtship of her – that she thought I was itching to get the date over, that I probably wish I didn’t get her number, etc. She just had all these feelings about the date while I had a blast with her. So much that I left her a vm right after she got on the train – and I knew she’d get it once she got service – telling her that I wanted to see her again.

      14. Issue: There wasn’t “a love connection?” Thank God I ducked that one. That’s got torn-clothes-and-broken-electronics-of-mine written all over it.

      – I’ve had enough with the crazies.

  2. AthenaVox August 9, 2011 / 5:52 am

    1. Issue: Guys lying
    There is a billboard here in Houston for a law firm and the phone number is 713.WASNT.ME. We live in a culture of not taking responsibility for our actions. It is so commonplace even President Bill got a little confused with truth vs. fiction. Lying is just so disrespectful and insulting.

    3. Issue: Women like to fix things (especially their guy) – it’s just how they operate. We are basically a life-size Ken doll which allows her to tap into her inner fashion designer.
    – Well you could have gone with the plastic army men. And what woman isn’t looking for a few good men? We aren’t greedy, we just anticipate one of them is going to be a wack job, one will be a barista and the other just might be straight. Good to know there are some men who like to be attended to by their women – just not knit picked. That’s creepy!

    4. Issue: The Complex Pursuit (Are you STILL sitting down?)
    I know! I crack myself up! We do get a lot of info from magazines and friends. Dating really shouldn’t be that hard. Heck I’m in favor of one day out of the year returning to caveman days. Club me over the head and drag me back to the cave. Let’s see if the prehistoric matchmaking methods are any more successful. .

    5. Issue: You also send mixed signals when we attempt to pursue.
    – You do send mixed signals when we are not the guy you want to date AND you also do it for guys you do?
    Good question. I only send mixed signals to men I am not interested in. I only do this during the getting to know you phase because I am hoping that a spark will develop. I don’t play games with men I am interested in.

    7. Issue: My focus is on the guy who comes to you respectfully and shows an interest in learning about you.
    Always respectful? Can you bottle that respect and pump it into the air vents of grocery stores, clubs and bars?

    9. Issue: Getting us to pursue you, endlessly, will lead us to lie to get you in bed and then fall off the face of the earth.
    Running in circles? Ah…this doesn’t happen after about 38. If you don’t show us who you are right then and there, we cut you off. 40 somethings don’t play games. We give you enough rope to hang yourself.

    12. Issue: It’s better to date without expectations! Do you understand? No, ugh.
    Fine, next date I will try to have a good time. June 2012 sounds like a good year to start dating again.

    13. Issue: I found the whole thing funny because who looks for love on the first date? Is that even possible or feasible? Shit, I doubt it’s even realistic! It isn’t. Expectations.
    I’ll see if I can suppress my natural desire to be worshiped for an evening.

    14. Issue: There wasn’t “a love connection?” Thank God I ducked that one. That’s got torn-clothes-and-broken-electronics-of-mine written all over it.
    – I hear ya!

    • Sthewriter August 10, 2011 / 6:20 pm

      1. Lying definitely isn’t needed. That billboard is hilarious.

      3. I love when my lady makes suggestions. I don’t even have a problem when she wants me to wear a certain piece; I value her input.

      4. TOOOO much info, Athena. I like your sense of humor. I would welcome a cavewoman/caveman throwback day; I mean for the comedy alone, how could you ignore that? Sign me up!

      5. I’m with you.

      7. I could get arrested for chemical warfare if I did that, dear. Ha.

      9. I went through a phase where I was dating women over 35 and it was great because we were both on the same wavelength pertaining to “running in circles.” Let’s be direct and have some fun.

      12. June 2012? You’re too fine to stay off the market that long! But venture out when ready.

      13. You’re killing me! You should still get your fill of worship, dear. You deserve it.

      14. For real, A. For real!

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